Because people are more important than things.
When our oldest son was six months old, life took a turn, and we ended up living with some dear and generous friends for three months. At the time, they had four boys, ages 1-10. During this season, I learned so much about the value of family, and things, and friends.
I will never understand why I didn’t reap the benefits of living with such incredible boy-parents blazing the trail ahead of me. Why didn’t I ask more questions and take notes? I wish I had spent more time observing their parenting and family life. I spent too many hours holed up in my room, trying to stay out of the way. Thankfully, a few of their family mantras and values still stick with me.
One of the often-repeated sentences I heard was: “Your brother is more important than your things.” (This was usually said in response to a fight over a toy.) Even then, I knew this was a nugget of wisdom I wanted to remember and use with my family. I now use that same sentence and sentiment with my children, and with myself. People are more important than things. If something is causing a fight, or is used to hurt someone else, or is in any other way being given a higher value than the people in our family, it needs to go.
This truth that people are more important than things is a beautiful truth, and one that I want to influence each aspect of our home.
As a mom, I have come to see how easy it is for our family to value things more than people.
Here are the big three in our house…
Ways you may be valuing things more than your family:
Letting toys cause quarrels.
I first heard this mantra “people are more important than things” as a response to kids fighting over toys. Anyone who has kids, or was a kid, knows that kids – especially siblings! – fight. One of the most notorious cause of sibling fights are fights over toys.
“It’s mine!”
“I was using that!”
“You’re not using it properly!” (Any other Bluey fans out there?!)
When siblings are fighting over toys, the natural consequence is that the toy goes away. We use the same consequence when someone uses a toy to hurt another person. For this reason, you will often see a toy (or instrument…or book…or storage bin…or some odd collection of several objects) on top of our bookshelf. The top of the bookshelf is the place we stick objects-used-for-harm, whether emotional or physical. The next day, everyone can try again with these things.
Sometimes, a toy sits in the garage a little longer before taking a turn in the toy rotation.
Sometimes, a toy is so consistently fought over each time it makes its entrance into the living room, that it has to leave the house entirely. Getting rid of toys is one of my favorite things to talk about. Read more here. The members of our family hold more value than any toy or trinket.
Having too many things in the house.
Sometimes we have so much stuff in our homes, that the stuff begins taking time, and energy, and yes, even value, away from our family.
Consider whether you spend more time caring for your family, or your family’s stuff.
If I have a huge collection of things to organize and take care of, I have less time with my family. When the living room is crammed so full of furniture, there is less room for dance parties and lego building. If I fill my kitchen counters with gadgets and knick-knacks, it takes so much longer to clean and cook, and each of these tasks becomes serious chore.
The less things you have in your home, the more time you have with the people in your home. Dawn, from The Minimal Mom, has shed so much light on this reality. If you yearn to spend more time with your family, and less time houseworking, become internet friends with Dawn!
Having a house that is easier to manage frees up time and space to be with and enjoy your family.
Being too precious with your things.
Let me first say this: I want to teach my children to be good stewards of the things we have. I want them to learn to take care of things, and to be appropriately gentle with delicate or costly items. I am not going to let my toddler use a laptop he doesn’t know how to handle properly, and cannot afford to replace. If a child is known to throw their cup, I’m not giving them a ceramic mug at dinner.
However, I do not want to create an environment in which people are walking on egg shells in order to preserve the things in our home. It is okay for someone to accidentally drop a plate when they are helping do the dishes. It is okay that I constantly find holes in the knees of pants because my kids play hard. I want accidents to be okay, and for grace to be generously given. My husband has never scolded me for breaking a glass — and let me tell you, I’ve broken my fair share. Why would I scold a five year old for doing the same thing?
If heads roll when something is broken, or simply worn out, I am valuing things, rather than valuing the family members using them.
But it isn’t always easy to let go of things, especially when they feel special.
Before I was married, I found a truly amazing decorative pillow at an antique store. For starters, it is my favorite shade of green. But the best part is the hand-embroidered lemon tree on the front of the pillow. This lemon tree is filled with big, happy yellow and gold lemons made of thick yarn. A row of little flowers stand in line on either side of the tree. There is something about this pillow that I have always loved. Fortuitously, my husband also has a soft spot for this lemon tree pillow, and he has always been glad to let it sit on our couch.
At some point, about three kids in, I noticed the pillow was starting to take a beating. The yarn was coming loose. I realized one of the flowers had disappeared completely. I was about to put the pillow case away to keep it safe from the brutal life of our living room. But I thought about the pillow case sitting in storage, and I thought how it wouldn’t bring any sunshiny happiness in a box. I decided to let this pillow case continue to be a part of our living room. When my kids play “the ground is lava” and use the lemon tree as a safe place, I try to enjoy their silly balancing poses and shouts for help, and not scold them for standing on my precious pillow.
My lemon tree pillow is now missing each and every flower, has many loose threads, and has a hole in the fabric. But it still makes me smile. As do my children.
If something is too precious, meaning it will really hurt if something happens to it, keep it in storage for later, or put it somewhere out of the reach of toddlers. Don’t let these things get in the way of loving people.
The Bottom Line
In our house, we value family more than things. In a small house, this is easier to remember, as we have limited real estate. But I hope that even if we end up in a sprawling house with bedrooms for all, we choose to remember this truth.
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